Thursday, April 16, 2015

Wedding Preparation

Yup.. I successfully finished my second master and went back to my home country. I got an offer to continue a PhD program from my supervisor but I have to reject the offer because of my personal life. It kind of bothering me.. any Indonesian will support my decision especially my family. It doesn't matter if you finished 2 master programmes and got a Phd offer, if you are still single, you lack of achievement. I don't mind rejecting the offer, I personally doubting my ability to do the Phd in that topic for the next 4 years. But.. how can I say it... It's just typical me... I don't like in the same opinion with society.. LoL.

Even though it is my own decision to reject the offer, I don't really like the fact that the society (I mean people surrounding me) agree with that... Because they see having family is more important. I didn't say that getting married is not an important step for me, I just think that's not the only reason I rejected the offer. Eventhough in fact that the easiest answer and I did give that as a reason to my supervisor. Anyway... I am just saying.. I don't know what I am saying actually.

And you know what... Preparing a wedding is a hell of a job. It is easy at the beginning and getting worse to the end. The family, the limitations, the requests, the time.. everything went wrong. At some point I was too lazy to dealt with all those problem and prefer to be single. Isn't that funny..? Why getting married is such an important thing in this society...? Along with all "adat" and family thingy.

Anyway... I have 2 master degrees and no job.. and no one cares... as long as I am getting married. What a crazy world..!

Thursday, January 22, 2015


I started this morning with a lazy feeling. Really do not want to do anything, particularly revising my thesis report. I forced my self to go to my workstation where everyone else in the room was busy in front of their own computer. I sat and started feeling stress. Knowing that I was not in the mood to revise my report, but still forcing myself to do it. It was useless... I just felt warm in my face and my head started aching.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

New Dream, new target

I have to write it down.
I remember long time ago I always said that I want to go a broad. And because I know I couldn't afford it by myself (with my low paid job) I set the goal to get a scholarship, of course in another country. So that was my first time to went abroad. With scholarship. To Australia.

Back from Australia, I set another dream to go to Europe. Since I was still stuck in the same low paid job (that will be forever low paid unless I committed corruption, or I become the head office 20 years later or never after), I try another scholarship to Europe. I got it..! And with a bonus of getting rid my old job. For some people who do not understand the situation in Indonesia and the "prestigious" job working for the government, it seems ridiculous that I had difficulties of getting rid of my old low paid job. But many in the same situation with me would understand and some will ridicule me for my decision. I know better what's good for me. So for people in the later group, please keep your opinion for yourself.

Now I almost finish with my study in Europe and I have to set another target. I had this dream that I will get married and be a stay at home mum. None of my friends see it as a promising future and (sadly) nor my significant one, not to mention my family. Hence I have to set my new target, I definitely like to travel but as I realized and wrote in my previous post that it is not the think I want to achieve. So I just came up with a new target... working in the UN bodies in ROME! Why Rome? I don't know.. I just want to. Just like my previous targets going abroad and Europe.. why should I..? No realistic reason.. just human neediness for something that I think looks cool.

Or.. probably with that job I could afford to travel around the world as a break from life routine, not as the goal of life itself.

So wish me luck..!!

Friday, January 09, 2015

The weaknesses...

It seems that during my study in Wageningen I learned a lot not only on the scientific senses but also on my personality. I found out many of my weaknesses that portentially make me worse off in performing a task. First, about my self-confident, then it trails along to my passion, my ability to write, the inpatient of explaining something, the lack of curiosity and many more that I did not even bother to acknowledge before.

It surfaces because I have to revised my draft report and the general comment was that other people that are not in the field won't be able to understang what I am talking about. I should have made the report can be understood by readers that are not familiar with the topic. Secondly, I tend to jump into next topic out of nowhere and didn't have logical flow. Something that I could work on if I have patient to explain things to a child - and something that I realised that I don't have a patient to-.

Sepertinya saya harus mengubah cara pandang saya. Selama ini saya selalu menganggap saya tidak punya passion di bidang ini tapi ketika ditanya dimana passion saya sebenarnya, saya pun tidak bisa menjawab nya. Travelling..? Benerkan disana passion saya..? Terus kenapa saya pun tak tertarik dengan ide stahun keliling dunia atau bekerja sebagai travel writer? Kenapa ketika sepuluh hari travelling saya selalu bahagia ketika waktunya pulang? Saya pikir travelling itu hanya menarik untuk a short break. Perjalanan yang akan membuat saya bersyukur dengan apa yang ada di "rumah". Perjalanan yang dibutuhkan untuk menyemangati kembali kehidupan "normal" saya danlebih menghargai kehidupan dan orang-orang disekitar kita. Perjalanan yang membuat kita lebih menghargai hidup.

Mungkin passion saya dibidang ini jika saya tak selalu berusaha menolak nya. Mungkin saya bisa mengubah cara pikir saya dan melihat dengan "curiosity" tinggi terhadap topik ini seperti keingintahuan saya mengenai tempat-tempat lain diluar sana. Mungkin sudah waktunya sekarang saya tidak hanya memandangnya sebagai kewajiban yang harus dilaksanakan, tapi sebagai hal yang saya pelajari karena saya tertarik dan ingin mengetahui lebih mengenai nya.

Mungkin ini saat nya untuk berubah....

Wednesday, January 07, 2015

New Year...!

Happily had my 3 weeks holiday and return to my "working desk"doing all unimportant stuff. I still have not had feedback for my draft report but my daily supervisor said she has checked it and send it to my main supervisor for further comments. When I asked how was my report she just answer it with a short "good"'. So good it is.. I am less guilty of not doing anything on the report during the last 3 weeks.

I have to scrap one of my dream in previous post about having a trip to italy with him. We didn't manage it. We went to Brussel, Ghent and Paris instead. I realised he's not a travel freak like I do. If I was him, I would be very dissappointed that I didn't manage to visit some famous places that probably were in my list. But he content with things that we did. I figured, travelling with him was stress free (a bit), and no rush. If I was in my own pace than I will always in hurry to keep up with my list of must visited places. Doing his way was more relexing (that is the main idea of holiday). I think it was a good thing that we didnot manage to go to Italy. I have been to those places that we were visited, and I manage to visit places that interest me. If we went to italy probably I will in my stress mode, continously counting times in order to keep up with my list.

I don't have new year resolutions, never had one I think.... The dreams are still the same, I didn't set time to achieve it... I think a need another short time dreams to achieve. And trying to find what my passion is.. Scrap travelling, I can't afford to always get scolding for having "unproductive" passion.

Saturday, December 13, 2014

Weekend activities

My post become more and more about boring stuff. Eventhough I am in my last stage of writing the thesis with the deadline approaching, I still have an illusion that I have enough time. So I still stick on my habbit of not working on the weekend nor at home. I only work at the "office" and I still think I have enough time to finish it ontime. I hope it's not just an illusion. I really do hope so.

So.. This weekend, I am going to see my friends in Amsterdam. The fact that strike me and brough me to write this post was another friend that is also in the last stage of his thesis said he can't join because he has to finish his thesis draft revision. On the weekend..! And revision..! He's working on the revision! While I don't een have my first draft yet. Always thought that I could finish it by the end of the week.. (Since the last 2 weeks ago and I never did). 

Now the stress start to kicking in.. I think I will work tomorrow.. But lets see.. :D

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

The life of graduate student

Okay, scrap that title. I won't talk about the "avarage" life of graduate students in the world. Not even in my university. I didn't assess that in appropriate samples and appropriate method. Oh God.. Should we talk about method? Why not about the design and its statistic as well? Great.. my mood just ruined because of the research talk.

Back to my intention, I just want to "complaint" about my life in here. But posting "my life" as a title is so selfish that I have no intention to. So lets check how my life looks like for the past week.

Last week I got a constant headache, or migraine, with various level of pain (why... why it sounds leading to statistic agaiiiin..?) . I mean, sometimes the pain made me can't think and really hope the painkiller could shut down the pain receptor, and some other time I could just ignore the pain. If we categorised the pain in a certain levels, let say level 1 to 5 where the most painful one is level 5, than during the last week I got level 2 to 4. When it was at level 4, I can't do nothing and take painkiller. But if it was around level 2 or 3, I still can walk around and did my activities with the feeling of carrying big stone on my head.

What about my activities? As an MSc student (no one said "graduate student" in here, we are not even graduated :p) that working on a thesis, we usually work with one of chair-group (department) in the university, and we got a work station (bench and computer) to work on and are expected to work in our station for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week,  between 7am to 10pm. Or at least that was what they told me when I started my thesis in this department. And that was also what I did for the first phase of my thesis. We could say that I am now in my last stage of MSc study as well as thesis work, but that could lead to another story..

So back to the topic.. Last week I did't really go to "my office" everyday and work for 8 hours. I still have some afternoon classes, so I came late in the morning to "my office" and leave at lunch hour and continue to my afternoon class. On the weekend, I went to "the centre", for some groceries shopping, and do nothing afterward. Just resting for the whole weekend. Back to Monday, I show up late morning again in my office and the circle re-started. At this stage seeing friend was only on the way out or in the building. Had some short conversation, and continue with our own -look-a-like- life. It looks boring, but in reality it IS boring.. :D

The excitement was only when you find your data fit you hypothesis or met all assumption in the statistic test. The reading and writing part also (sometimes) quite interesting.. or stressing... And the joy when you have (or you think you have) a free time...

Okay.. that was a small picture of my life as MSc student in Wageningen during thesis period. Any other period, my life was so much better. But probably in the future I also see that even this period also seems much better than any other hard period that I could have in the future. So just enjoy the this moment.