Saturday, December 13, 2014

Weekend activities

My post become more and more about boring stuff. Eventhough I am in my last stage of writing the thesis with the deadline approaching, I still have an illusion that I have enough time. So I still stick on my habbit of not working on the weekend nor at home. I only work at the "office" and I still think I have enough time to finish it ontime. I hope it's not just an illusion. I really do hope so.

So.. This weekend, I am going to see my friends in Amsterdam. The fact that strike me and brough me to write this post was another friend that is also in the last stage of his thesis said he can't join because he has to finish his thesis draft revision. On the weekend..! And revision..! He's working on the revision! While I don't een have my first draft yet. Always thought that I could finish it by the end of the week.. (Since the last 2 weeks ago and I never did). 

Now the stress start to kicking in.. I think I will work tomorrow.. But lets see.. :D

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

The life of graduate student

Okay, scrap that title. I won't talk about the "avarage" life of graduate students in the world. Not even in my university. I didn't assess that in appropriate samples and appropriate method. Oh God.. Should we talk about method? Why not about the design and its statistic as well? Great.. my mood just ruined because of the research talk.

Back to my intention, I just want to "complaint" about my life in here. But posting "my life" as a title is so selfish that I have no intention to. So lets check how my life looks like for the past week.

Last week I got a constant headache, or migraine, with various level of pain (why... why it sounds leading to statistic agaiiiin..?) . I mean, sometimes the pain made me can't think and really hope the painkiller could shut down the pain receptor, and some other time I could just ignore the pain. If we categorised the pain in a certain levels, let say level 1 to 5 where the most painful one is level 5, than during the last week I got level 2 to 4. When it was at level 4, I can't do nothing and take painkiller. But if it was around level 2 or 3, I still can walk around and did my activities with the feeling of carrying big stone on my head.

What about my activities? As an MSc student (no one said "graduate student" in here, we are not even graduated :p) that working on a thesis, we usually work with one of chair-group (department) in the university, and we got a work station (bench and computer) to work on and are expected to work in our station for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week,  between 7am to 10pm. Or at least that was what they told me when I started my thesis in this department. And that was also what I did for the first phase of my thesis. We could say that I am now in my last stage of MSc study as well as thesis work, but that could lead to another story..

So back to the topic.. Last week I did't really go to "my office" everyday and work for 8 hours. I still have some afternoon classes, so I came late in the morning to "my office" and leave at lunch hour and continue to my afternoon class. On the weekend, I went to "the centre", for some groceries shopping, and do nothing afterward. Just resting for the whole weekend. Back to Monday, I show up late morning again in my office and the circle re-started. At this stage seeing friend was only on the way out or in the building. Had some short conversation, and continue with our own -look-a-like- life. It looks boring, but in reality it IS boring.. :D

The excitement was only when you find your data fit you hypothesis or met all assumption in the statistic test. The reading and writing part also (sometimes) quite interesting.. or stressing... And the joy when you have (or you think you have) a free time...

Okay.. that was a small picture of my life as MSc student in Wageningen during thesis period. Any other period, my life was so much better. But probably in the future I also see that even this period also seems much better than any other hard period that I could have in the future. So just enjoy the this moment.

Friday, October 24, 2014

Wanna be a scientist..?

And right after my affirmation to the universe that I want to be a writer, my supervisor gave me an open offer to join their research team and become a scientist. What a nice offer universe!

Saya sedikit tersanjung dengan penawaran ini, walaupun agak heran juga. Dengan hasil fieldwork thesis kemaren yang masih tak tau harus dianalisa seperti apa, dan dia juga belum melihat hasil kerjaan saya, tapi dia sudah memberikan penawaran seperti itu. Bagaimana jika saya tidak seperti yang dia harapkan? Bagaimana jika saya tak mampu menganalisa semua research questions ini? Bagaimana jika saya just not good enough to be a scientist or don't have a good motivation, or don't have a passion on this field?

I'll think about it adalah jawaban yang saya berikan. Satu-satunya alasan saya akan menerima tawaran ini adalah karena saya jobless.. Selama ini sepertinya keputusan-keputusan penting dalam hidup saya terjadi bukan karena saya memang menginginkan nya, tapi karena situasi dan kondisi yang akhirnya memaksa saya mengambil keputusan tersebut. But I do believe everything happens for a reason.

Oya, satu lagi yang menggelikan adalah, beberapa bulan kemaren saya juga telah bertekad untuk tidak akan melanjutkan PhD di Belanda. Jika pada akhirnya saya "terpaksa" harus mengambil PhD, saya berniat untuk kembali ke negara down under yang menurut saya lebih bersahabat dan less pressure... But hey.. you never know where life will take you... or offer you.. :)

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Dreams...

1. Finish the thesis 
2. Italy trip with him
3. Graduated
4. A trip with my sister
5. Get married
6. Get a diving license 
7. Diving!

No stress..!

And in a meantime also get an appropriate job.. Still don't have a dream job, do you?

Those are not dreams, tho.. More like things that I would like to do in the near future.

My dream was like having a best seller book that also becomes a box office movie. That was a dream!

Or live next to the beautiful beach and helping people's life. Far from hustle bustle of the city, content with my live. Enough with the urge to travel around the world. No more list of must visit cities.

Are you sure?

Saturday, September 20, 2014

Superheroes Mentality

I think most of us have this type of mentality, where you are happy to be someone that could help others. Okaay... probably not all of us, some people might like to see other suffers, especially the kind of people who couldn't find their own happiness, so they find it through others misfortune. In other words, people who has superheroes mentality, that happy to help others, probably content with their life and their happiness comes from sharing and helping. Totally my own theory of happiness, after reading a half of "The Geography of Bliss" by Eric Weiner that based his book on scientific study.

My intention writing this topic was far from scientific study. It was because of the visit of my significant one to my fieldwork location. As I mention in previous post, I am super busy with my thesis fieldwork. But, based on my work-plan, I scheduled everything on the weekdays and kept my weekend free to keep me sane. My bf, that live in the other city, since the beginning had an intention to fly over on the weekend to help me with my works. When I told him that I am free on the weekend, you could guess.. he was a bit disappointed..! But on the week he planed to arrive, I had the unforeseen delay that made me have to work on the weekend if I still want to finish on schedule. So you could guess again... my bf was quite happy with that fact, but not me..! So that weekend, we spend a day in the lab, working. It was not a hard work, just really a bored one. We could talk while working, and as he said, we spent a quality time talking about everything and nothing.

When I told my friend that my bf came over and we had a date in the lab, the reaction was like.. "poor you.. or poor him..". The fact that he's happy with that situation was not on other's mind. So that makes me thought about the superheroes mentality. Since the beginning he want this condition. I am in a trouble and he fly over to help me. Solved my problem. Everyone is happy.

Yeah.. I know.. It's a total crap theory that I just made up. :D    

Sunday, September 07, 2014

Thesis Period

I am not so sure that my lots-of-work-thesis gonna results in something interesting that worth to publish. It was really a hard work. All days during a week. Prone to human error that my assistants and I already did. Still 5weeks full of work to go with possibility of changing the field and add extra data. Another week extra.

Shoot, I don't think I could handle it for a week extra works. And.. The situation on my relationship didn't help at all. Added extra pressure on me.. Instead of become a supporter and being my rock.. It makes me cranky. 

Friday, August 01, 2014

Mengatasi Stress

Setelah minggu lalu dengan gagah perkasa super sombong menolak saran sang psikolog untuk melanjutkan review konsultasi dengan nya dua minggu setelah pertemuan kami, saat ini (seminggu kemudian) saya kembali bertemu dengan si stress. This is not my first experience doing a master thesis.. tapi kenapa jauh berbeda ya..? Dulu saya tak pernah merasakan pressure sebesar ini. Mengerjakannya pun santai sekali dan sang supervisor (dahulu) yang lebih sering menanyakan perkembangan saya karna saya tak kunjung jua mengirimkan draft tulisan.

Jika saya menyimpulkan penyebabnya karena topik yang saya kerjakan saat ini tidak familiar, dahulu bahkan lebih baru lagi bagi saya. Mungkin lebih tepat jika saya simpulkan dahulu saya punya banyak waktu untuk mengalihkan perhatian dari stress. Saya tak punya jadwal untuk ke "kantor"setiap harinya. Jika saya mulai merasa stress saya bisa dengan gampangnya mengalihkan perhatian ke film atau tidur. Sekarang ini saya seharian harus di workstation, didepan komputer, membaca literature yang semakin membuat saya meragukan rencana penelitian saya dan semakin membuat saya merasa tak mengerti apa-apa di topik ini.

Seperti biasa, jika sudah mulai stress, maka kebala saya akan berat, tanpa sadar bernafas pendek-pendek dan badan menjadi sangat tense. Setelah berusaha mengaplikasikan petunjuk sang psikolog, menyadari bahwa semua ini cuma alarm dari salah satu sudut otak saya endiri, dan dengan sudut lainnya saya bisa melabeli serta mengidentifikasi nya. Masalahnya si otak yang sama kemudian menganalisa bahwa "alarm" itu memang patut untuk diperhatikan. Jadi upaya pengalihan stress tetap tidak sukses. Sekurangnya hal itu dapat kembali membawa nafas saya ke normal rate.

Upaya kedua saya untuk memadamkan "alarm"ini adalah dengan menuliskan hal yang membuat saya takut, cemas dan berujung stress ini. Mengambalikan pikiran saya ke fokus utama penelitian, masalah yang membuat saya cemas dan belum mengerti, dan apa yang bisa saya lakukan terhadap itu. Jalan ini membawa saya ke sudut lain permasalan.. "saya malas / malu / tidak pede untuk melakukan hal yang seharusnya saya lakukan untuk mengatasi malasah ini". Dan sengan suksesnya membuat saya kembali stress. Tapi sekurang ini membawa saya kembali menyadari apa yang membuat kepala saya berat. Tidak hanya bingung tak mau memikirkan apa yang menjadi masalah dan pusing sendiri dengan kondisi fisik yang memburuk (refering to my body tense and headache).

Saya pikir dengan menulis disini, merefleksikan apa yang terjadi, juga akan membantu saya mengatasi stress ini. Tapi sepertinya ini juga kontra produktive. Sama sekali tak membantu. Saya kembali stress. Satu-satunya jalan yang sepertinya cukup sukses mengatasi masalah ini untuk sementara adalah dengan mengabaikannya. Tidak memikirkannya sama sekali dan memikirkan hal lain. Dan akhirnya apa? Saya tak mengerjakannya? Bukannya malah akan memperburuk keadaan nanti?

Dalam usaha mengidentifikasi penyebab "kepanikan"ini, saya menyadari bahwa saya tak begitu puas dengan experimental design and research arrangement nya. Saya butuh masukan dari si supervisor yang tak jua memberi feedback dan saya sebel dengan diri sendiri yang tak mau menanyakannya lagi karena kecemasan yang tak beralasan. Ah sudahlah... lets just continue wasting my day.